DISNEY CHARACTERS CAN LEGALLY BE SHOT UNDER FLORIDA LAW
ORLANDO, FL (SatireWire.com) — A Florida court today ruled that under the state’s “Stand Your Ground” law, which allows people who feel threatened to use deadly force, the life-sized characters at...
View ArticleCHENEY’S HEART TO GET MEDAL FOR TRYING TO RID WORLD OF CHENEY
FALLS CHURCH, VA (SatireWire.com) — The original heart of former Vice President Dick Cheney will receive the nation’s highest honor – the Presidential Medal of Freedom – for its lifelong attempts to...
View ArticleU.S. BOSSES BRACING TO BE TOLD TO FUCK OFF BY LOTTERY WINNER
ATLANTA (SatireWire.com) -- As Americans turn out in droves to purchase tickets for Friday’s $640 million lottery drawing, the nation’s managers, supervisors, and administrators are bracing themselves...
View ArticleCONSERVATIVE ROMNEY PICKS MODERATE ROMNEY FOR V.P.
MADISON, WI. (SatireWire.com) -- In a move to “keep his enemies close” while also attracting independent voters, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Severely Conservative Mitt Romney today...
View ArticleHIGH SCIENTISTS INSIST EARTH IS DEPICTED UPSIDE DOWN MAYBE
AMSTERDAM (SatireWire.com) -- A team of extremely high astrophysicists revealed today that mankind has for millenia incorrectly depicted Earth upside down, a stunning development that means everyone...
View ArticleFLORIDA CLOSED FOR MENTAL REPAIRS
ORLANDO, FL (SatireWire.com) -- The state of Florida will be closed for mental repairs until further notice, the National Institutes of Health announced today.
View ArticleN. KOREA APPARENTLY PLANS TO LITTER WORLD INTO SUBMISSION
PYONGYANG (SatireWire.com) -- North Korea on Thursday launched what appears to be a new type of disintegrating missile that officials warn could pose a significant threat to any nation other than the...
View ArticleROMNEY RACKING UP INDIFFERENDORSEMENTS
Rallying around Mitt Romney in much the same way suicide jumpers rally around the ground, Republican heavyweights have continued to endorse the “inevitable” GOP presidential candidate by using such...
View ArticleUNIVERSITIES OFFER NEW “BACHELOR OF WHATEVER” DEGREE
NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) -- Sensitive to claims they no longer prepare students for the real world, universities across the country today unveiled a new type of degree – the Bachelor of Whatever...
View ArticleIN THE LAIR OF GENITAL QAEDA: LIFE IN AN UNDERWEAR BOMBER CAMP
YEMEN (SatireWire.com) -- The days are long, the training merciless, the mission terrifying. And in the end, if you’re very, very successful, your groin explodes. Such is the short, painful life of the...
View ArticleBILL REQUIRES SCHOOLS TO RAISE OUR CHILDREN, BEAR OUR CHILDREN
WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Teachers in public schools, increasingly burdened with the responsibility of raising the nation's children, will have to bear the nation’s children as well,...
View ArticleMEN LINING UP FOR LIFE-EXTENDING CASTRATIONS
NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – Only a day after a new study revealed that castrated men live significantly longer lives, surgical centers around the country were swamped with men demanding to have...
View ArticleAMERICAN AIRLINES REBRANDS LOOSE SEATS AS ‘FLEXISEATS’
DALLAS, TX (SatireWire.com) -- Reacting to rows of seats that came loose in flight, American Airlines today said it has inspected nearly 50 of its Boeing 757s and concluded the seats that tip back...
View ArticleOBAMA LOSES DEBATE; ALSO ANY HOPE FOR ANNIVERSARY SEX
DENVER, CO. (SatireWire.com) – Following his weak showing in Wednesday’s debate with Mitt Romney, President Obama’s 20th wedding anniversary ended in further disappointment as sources say the First...
View ArticleKITCHENAID APOLOGIZES FOR OFFENSIVE TWEET, APPLIANCES
CHICAGO (SatireWire.com) -- After apologizing for a company tweet that mocked the death of Barack Obama’s grandmother, KitchenAid today confessed it also sells a food processor that makes fun of your...
View ArticleJOB NUMBERS MORE FUCKING CONFUSING THAN EXPECTED
WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) -- The unemployment rate in September dropped to 7.8 percent while manufacturing job losses rose and temporary jobs declined and total jobs rose, numbers that analysts...
View ArticleNORTH KOREA WARNS MISSILES CAN REACH U.S. IN 2 DAYS VIA UPS
PYONGYANG (SatireWire.com) -- Reacting to South Korea’s recent deal with the United States to extend the range of its missiles, North Korea surprised the world Tuesday by claiming it now has missiles...
View ArticleSURVEY MORE OR LESS SAYS HALF OF AMERICANS GOING TO HELL
WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) -- For the first time in the nation’s history, the majority of Americans are not Protestant and are therefore going to hell, a new Pew Research poll concluded if you...
View ArticleROMNEY, DRESSED IN DRAG, DENIES HE HAS TACKED TOO FAR LEFT
SAN FRANCISCO (SatireWire.com) – In a spirited stump speech today, Mitt Romney denied he has changed positions or tacked to the left, although observers couldn’t help but notice the Governor was...
View ArticleSKYDIVER BREAKS RECORD FOR FREE-FALL SWEARING
ROSWELL, N.M. (SatireWire.com) -- In a giant leap from the edge of space Sunday, Austrian skydiver Felix Baumgartner shattered records for supersonic speed, high altitude jumping, and free-fall...
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